This one’s for those of you who act like you understand life in a city, but haven’t quite figured out basic transit etiquette:

If you’re going to be standing near the doors the whole way, step away from the exit when the train stops. Not your stop? Maybe it’s someone else’s. You don’t want to lose your place at the exit? Get out onto the platform so people can get off. Believe it or not, it is possible to get back on board before the doors close.

If you ride with your buddies and want to speak loudly about the quality of your sport, please note that no one else gives a fuck. If I can hear you in my headphones, you’re talking too loud. Few things are sweeter than screaming – without a mask – on a crowded train. Leave the cries for the inevitable future emergency. *These rules apply equally if you ride with your bridesmaids on your way to a gay bar where you are (still) not invited.

Suppose you are able-bodied and enjoying your ride comfortably seated in a crowded car and someone less fit gets on board. (I can’t believe I’m writing this). Get up and offer them a seat. Don’t wait (and this based on real events) for the blind old man with a prosthetic leg to shout desperately into the din: “Please! Somebody let me sit down,” you rude motherfucker.

Finally, when you take one of the few functional escalators in the city and you don’t feel like going up the steps, go as far to the right as possible. I know it’s hard to believe, but most of us have better places to be than stuck behind your ass, the asses of your herd of idiots, or your oversized suitcase.